My First Discovery

I want to continue my blog with my move to London. After 2 months of very hard working for the bank, it was time for me to start my studies at the LSE. First, I had to move from Earl’s Court to the dorms that I was allocated in South East London in the area known as Borough.

The dorm in itself was the newest building of LSE and looked very nice. However, in order to get to my room, you had to go through 5 security doors and this caused for the dorm to be quite anti-social and it was very hard to meet people. I would hardly see anybody and I was not used to this because dorms in America are very social. I also had a bathroom in my room, so I didn’t really need to leave my room and again in America you had to share bathrooms and this would be another way to socialize with some of your hallmates. It worried me initially, but I soon met my fellow students from my programme and just like myself most of them were foreigners settling in London. We all lived in different dorms scattered around the city, so we made a real effort to get together for drinks somewhere in central London or around the LSE in order to get to know each other.

At the LSE, I first started to finally do something about my sexuality. I always thought I might be gay, but it was also a thought I quickly buried far away and not wanted to deal with. I just never felt it was a comfortable topic in the late 90s in an America Universities as I saw quite a lot of students were made fun of. For this reason, I just decided to never really do anything about it as I didn’t think it was going to be a very good life for me.

However, the thoughts just kept coming back to me and in particular there was one guy who I couldn’t stop thinking about. Every day I was meeting my friends for lunch around 1pm. We had the same meeting point by the Old Building and at this time there was a good looking guy waiting for his friends as well. Every time he would look at me in particular manner and I very well remember that he was always wearing a baby blue scarf around his neck. He was always perfectly dressed and had a certain flair about him. I was convinced he was gay by the way he was always checking me out and by fashion sense. Well, in America you would be considered gay with those actions, but then in Europe you never know…

We would not only meet at the same place every day for lunch, but I would see him in the library or somewhere in London shopping. I have this incredible luck that when I meet or fancy someone, I tend to run into them everywhere around the city and again this happened with him. I always think, is this fait? I know that he always recognized me, but for some reason we never spoke to each other. I was too scared to do anything about it, in case he was not gay and personally I just didn’t have the confidence to approach him. I didn’t know what the etiquette was or what one should say. There was one day when he was right behind me on the stair case going to one of my classes. I could feel so much sexual tension taking that one step down the stairs, it was incredible. At the same time I was so nervous and decided that I need to do something about it, because I couldn’t it anymore. I am going to turn around and smile to him, perhaps even say hello. I found the deep courage to say hello to him and he smiled back to me and quickly passed me on the stairs and left in a hurry. I didn’t know how to read this, was the smile a sign he also liked me or was he just taken back by my actions and quickly wanted to get out of there.

One evening I went to study at my friend’s Tim’s dorm as we were taking the same courses in our programme. When I came out of his room, this boy was standing right in the hallway and I noticed that he was opening the door next to Tim’s room. I quickly asked Tim who he was and told him that I always see him around everywhere. Tim told me that his name is Johan, he is from Sweden and doing a Masters in Finance. Tim also quickly added that his girlfriend from Stockholm was about to visit that weekend. When he told me this, my heart sank and I was very confused with all his actions. I just couldn’t understand all the stares that we had, was he also confused? Was the girlfriend a cover up?

That weekend I was at the LSE and surely he walked by with his girlfriend walking hand and hand. It broke my heart to see them together, but at the same time, they looked like a lovely couple and I was happy for him.

During this whole time, I had befriended a Swedish girl Ana, who I became quite close to. I was not sure what her interest was in me. I had not exactly told her that I was gay. We kept going for drinks together and there was always a little tension between us. But I knew deep down that I was gay and just couldn’t do anything more with her. I think she was waiting for a kiss, but every time I made a polite exit at the end of the evening. After a few months of this, I finally had the courage to tell her that I thought I might be gay. She laughed and thought that was the case. She said she was attracted to me, but realized quite soon that there was a reason I always kept a distance. It was a weird conversation to have, but we laughed about it afterwards. I told her about my story of Johan. She again laughed and informed me that Swedish men are obsessed about appearance. What people are wearing, how they look, etc. She said they are all metrosexuals, probably the biggest one of any country. She informed me that guys often spend more money and time on their looks. Ana believes that Johan was looking at me because he was probably checking out what I was wearing, but there was nothing behind it. I told her that in any other country, that kind of behavior is very misleading. To me this confirmed that Johan was not confused and a happy metrosexual. I was jealous of his girlfriend, but I am also very happy for them.

Johan was often walking around campus with another Swedish guy. A few years after I finished the LSE, my friend Cherine from my programme had befriended a group of Swedes in London and this boy was also part of her group of friends. I met him a few times when she had organized drinks and his name turned out to be Samuel. For some reason, we didn’t speak much to each other at these drinks parties. I was too scared that he knew about my crush on Johan, so I avoided him usually. However, last year my friend Cherine got married in America and we were all invited to the wedding. Both Samuel and I were staying in the bachelor rooms at the country club, so this time there was no way to avoid him. We ended up talking quite a bit, shopping on one day (those Swedes do love their clothes!), sharing a car to the wedding, and partying at the wedding. After a few drinks at the wedding, I had the courage to tell Samuel my Johan story. He was surprised I knew Johan and laughed about it. He told me that Johan is now happily married in Stockholm, but that he would be flattered that a good looking guy like myself would fancy him. I was very flattered with that comment and I asked him if Johan had known about my crush when I was at the LSE. He told me no, but now thinking back, he did remember that they would often run into everywhere. I assured him that I was not stalking Johan, but that I have this luck of running into people, just like I had the luck of running into Samuel a few years later. After getting to know me that weekend, he was convinced that I had not stalked Johan.

Continuing with my discovery of my sexuality…. There was another American guy on my programme who was a homosexual and we soon enough became friends. I started talking to him more about being gay and the places he goes to. He told me that he went to the LGBT at the LSE and that I should join him. I told him I was not quite ready for this, especially for other students at the LSE to find out about me. So he suggested for me to join him out one night in Soho and see what I thought about it all. I was excited about this idea and was ready to explore Soho. In my next blog I will write about my first night out in Soho.